Meeting the Other Side Half-Way
Recently, while reading a book, I came across this concept: “If I don’t believe in it, then I’m not bound by it’s rules.” This rings true for me, however, I have a family member who does not believe in that at all. She is constantly pushing her belief system on me because she thinks that if I don’t follow the rules that bound her life, that something terrible will happen to me and to my family, even though it never has.
So who is right?
We both are.
What works for me works for me and what works for her works for her. Right now, she is not willing to step into my world and look at my belief system because she is afraid that she will be struck dead if she does (literally struck dead, by the way). Even though nothing that bad has ever happened to me (and, by the way, I am still alive), she is still afraid. Her entire belief system is centered around fear, guilt, and controlling others. It is an old belief system that never evolves, but it works for her. In her mind, it encompasses everyone on this earth, including me and other family members who do not participate. This rings true for her.
To me, my beliefs are personal. That is what makes them sacred and that is what makes them right for me. They are meant for me and no one else. I do not feel the need to splash my beliefs across the newspaper editorials or spread them to everyone I know because at that point they are no longer beliefs - they become methods of controlling others and I am not interested in that. It is more powerful for me to celebrate my belief system within myself - within my inner core. When I celebrate this way, it shows on the outside by my energy and by actions.
I know and respect that my beliefs do not work for others. Other people do not need and may not want to participate in my belief system because it may not work for them. They have their own.
So, what do we do? She insists that I follow her belief system and I block her every attempt to drag me into her world. We are both sick over this situation, and to be honest, it hurts our relationship. I don’t want to talk with her when she calls and she doesn’t want to call very often.
My solution to this dilemma was to pick either the relationship or the belief system to put her energy into when it comes to our relationship. At first, she was all for the belief system, but then she realized that she still wanted to have a relationship with me. This process took years. Right now we have what I would call a shallow relationship. She never asks me how I am or what’s going on in my life. She only asks about my family.
She is at the point where she will update me on her work, which involves her belief system, but, for the most part, she does not push me to be a part of it. I am ok with that. I support her when she does what makes her happy. I do not support her work when she is pushing it on others - and she is aware of that.
Even though we have a shallow relationship, I am glad that we have a relationship at all. The relationship is important enough to us that we make a decent effort at preserving it. My hope is that someday we can meet each other on middle ground and realize that the work was worth it.
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Wendi Moore-Buysse works with business professionals who want to learn how to market to women. She coaches, teaches, and consults with women who want to develop intuition and who want to develop leadership skills. Her books from the Life’s Little Cheat Sheets Series are available through her website. Visit http://www.wendimoore.com to read her Life’s Little Cheat Sheets blog. |
